Falling

Sometimes people talk about falling in love,
and sometimes it really is like that.
One day you're living a very pragmatic existence,
soon you're sitting up late on your best friend's bed trying to convince yourself you're not falling in love
(When you both know you are).
A couple months later when He moves away, you seek solace in the arms of a friend, heaving sobs from a place deep within yourself you didn't even know existed before Him.


This falling is much more subtle, much less dramatic.  All week long I've been picking my way along the desolate rocky shore, searching for glimpses of something not lost, something I know must be there.  Rarely do I spot it, shining from beneath a shallow pool , partially obscured by snail shells.  I treasure the fleeting beauty of these precious stones.


Yet as I stand above, looking down into these pools, their depth grows infinitely deeper.  i might choose to dive in but know my breath could not hold for such a journey.  I take a seat and stare across the sea toward the horizon.


On this eve of a new day I wonder: Will I take one step forward and set sail on the endless sea of sadness or will I continue my hunched pace along the beach, hoping for something more?

Birthday

On Monday I celebrated my birthday, my 25th birthday.  I wrote this that night near midnight.

It's my birthday, my 25th birthday.  I suddenly feel a little hesitant heading int othis year without much reflection.  Tired, even.  25. In some way, that's supposed to be significant, right?  I can rent cars without paying extra daily charges.  I'm supposed to have a quarter life crisis ~ for which I'm open to suggestions.

I briefly thought about quitting my job here and moving to Mexico City to live with my sister and brother-in-law and to take care of my nephew.

My friend Elise, at the request for suggestions, paused and thought about it then said pointedly, "You know, Emily, you already lead such an adventurous life - there's no need for one."

Adventurous.  This is not a word I would have used to describe myself.  I feel I pale in comparison to my friends and acquaintances.  I work nearly 50 hours a week, I'm beginning to dabble in church commitments, I spend my free time daydreaming about work and planning for work.  I like to visit my grandparents and sometimes I just wish for more quiet in my life.

I once sat, exasperated, across a coffee shop patio table from a now-ex-boyfriend and I banged my head down on the table.  "I just need to meditate!"

"So do." Then he drove me home, gave me a hug and a kiss and left me there, quiet, still and alone.

I ache at that memory, at that big empty space.  I remember standing in my un-air-conditioned house on that sweltering day, marvelous.  I stand at the edge of a field of crisp, amber wheat beneath a pure blue sky.  Oceans of yellow and solid, steady blue.  I am awash in it.  I long for such lazy, hazy days when my spirit rises up around me, my back pressed firmly into the the land on which I was born, the aromas of my wheat-filled childhood wafting up around me, releasing their pollens into that eternally steady sky; the sky of promises, the sky on which I rely.

If I knew how to dance to ask for rain, I would do so now.  I would ask the gods of the sky to look down upon me and see this lonely child looking up to them, basking in their glory, wondering, wondering, asking for wisdom as I open this next chapter of my life.

I hope for this year to step off of solid ground and set sail on a sky so blue it reflects the bright light of the sun.

Having Been Warned in a Dream

Feliz Dia de los Reyes from Mexico City!

These guys (the 3 Kings) are some of my favorite characters.  I'm not sure why.  Maybe it's their mystical following of a celestial figure to right where they're supposed to be.  I like to think maybe it's like this past summer when I just knew I was supposed to embark on a solo bicycle journey to Nashville, TN.  Sometimes you just know.

But I'm sure these guys had plenty o' people saying, ¨Hunh? Why?¨ and ¨What are you doing?¨

Then, when it was time for them to set out on their mundane journey home, they actually paid attention to what they considered a significant dream, which as it turned out, altered history.

Sometimes I have dreams that offer clear, concise directions.  These dreams I take to heart and consider each time I come to an intersection.  Some dreams aer bigger than others (THE dream, for instance, that I've been carrying at the center of my heart for as long as I can remember; the dream around which I've oriented my life thus far), while other dreams pertain to smaller theaters in my life - a recent dream about a toilet, for example.

I just hope that have the courage to pursue the true route encouraged by such dreams, even in the face of the death penalty.